Spirits, Hear My Prayer
by RenegadeTrash
Summary: It's been a full year since the Reapers were destroyed and Commander Shepard saved the galaxy. Unfortunately, she was nowhere to be found. Garrus was heartbroken all this time, keeping to himself. When the annual service for Shepard happens, he refuses to speak because he that she is alive. Can he gather everyone behind him to go find his missing love? Will they find her?
1. I Died That Day

**Chapter 1 ~ I Died That Day**

 _"You gotta get outta here!"_

 _"And youve gotta be kidding me."_

 _"Dont argue with me Garrus."_

 _"We are in this together!"_

 _"No matter what happens here today... know that I love you. I always will."_

 _"Shepard, I... I love you too."_

Garrus woke up in a horrible sweat, caused by shaking from his nightmares. He hasn't been able to sleep much since that fateful day. When he caught sight of his one and only love heading towards the beam to the Citadel, those last few minutes felt like forever. She gave him an order to leave when all he could think about was being with her until the very end. She wanted Garrus to live so that he may tell everyone about Shepard's legacy. But since that day, all he wanted was to be with her. Just once more, one more time was all he wanted. After the Battle for Earth, things have slowly been coming back together for everyone. So much of shifting through rubble turned up nothing for Shepard though and Garrus was devastated.

The past year had been like a living nightmare for Garrus. He told Shepard that they would retire somewhere tropical and maybe even find out what kids would look like. Sure, Liara and the others have tried to help him past this horrible event, but they haven't succeeded. He refused to listen to reason and insisted he deal with this on his own. But all he can do is just go around in circles in his head. Shepard wouldn't die that easily, that wasn't like her. It's certainly not the woman he knew.

After waking up, he got a call on his omni tool. It was Liara. If anyone has been more helpful, it's her. Garrus didn't want to answer calls or talk to anyone but luckily she's been the one to keep him sane since Shepard was officially declared dead.

"Garrus, is that you?"

"Hey Liara."

"Did you sleep okay?"

"Not really. It was night sweats again, but nothing serious."

"Don't give me that Garrus. I know you better than that."

"Don't start with me too Liara. It's been a bad night."

"I know... listen, Garrus... do you know what today is?"

He knew all too well what today was. It's been a full year since the Battle for Earth. So many people lost their lives and so many also survived to see their homes and their families live another day. For the Normandy crew, this was a day they have been dreading for a long time. It's the anniversary of the death of their beloved Commander, and for Garrus, the death of his beloved. He had exclusively told Liara he didn't want to be part of the service when it happened. But she was gonna try anyway.

"Garrus... I know how painful this must be for you. But you know Shepard would want you to be part of the memorial. She left you some of her possessions and said that you have to take care of what she left behind. You can't just sit in that apartment drinking away your problems with brandy."

"Liara, it's one thing to see death on the battlefield. It's another when one of those deaths is the love of your life." 

"I know, Garrus. But at least be there at the apartment. Please? Just be there."

"...Fine. I'll show up. But I'm still refusing to speak."

"I understand. I'll see you later tonight."

"Bye, Liara."

It felt like an eternity before she showed up to this sorry excuse apartment. Garrus only felt to take care of the place after her passing. It was on this same bed that they had that magical night all to themselves while everyone else was drunk downstairs. He could still feel the touch of skin on his mandibles, her soft and sultry voice that sounded like being in pain, her carved yet feminine features, everything about that night was so vivid. It wasn't too long that they had another magical moment together just before the attack on Cerberus. Shepard was so worried about the future of the battles to come but he was there to assure her that he would stay with her through the thick gunfire. He truly would follow her to hell and back just to be with her.

It's been a full year already. Garrus felt it right to take care of the apartment since that fateful day when no one else wanted to do so. Was he doing the right thing though? He knew the others would say no, that he should just move on and find someone else. He never had to deal with this before though and had never loved someone so much. After spending all day at the work bench calibrating his sniper rifle, he heard Liara enter the apartment.

"Hey."

"Hi, Garrus. Are you busy?"

"No, just on the work bench all day with some brandy."

"I see. The others are on their way over here."

"Good to know. But I don't know about them."

"What do you mean?"

"You know, Liara. They all know I've been like this for the past year. They're all gonna tell me to get over it and frankly, I'm in no mood for that."

"Garrus, they just want you to be happy. We are all worried about you, you know. This has never been like you before."

"Tell that to them. They never lost the love of their life."

"Garrus, will you cut it out? What would Shepard say if she saw you like this?"

He knew full well what she would say. She would tell him to pick up that gun and head back into battle. Garrus was a soldier and a damn good one at that. He followed her when going after Saren, he stood by her when facing the Collectors, she helped him see a new side to justice with Sidonis and far more than that. Shepard was always the one to pick him back up and now that she was gone, there was no one to do that for him. She just had to leave him behind just when he was starting to be the one to pick her back up and what hurt the most is that Garrus was ordered not to follow her. Not just as his commanding officer, but also as his friend, his girlfriend, the love of his life. Those words still echo in his mind even today.

 _Don't argue with me Garrus. Get out of here!_

 _Shepard... we are in this until the end!_

 _No matter what happens here, know that I love you. And I'll always be yours._

This was all Garrus had thought about for the past year. Every memory of his time together with her and it was all he had to comfort himself, this pain that he was going through. Ruari wouldn't have died that easily. She was one of the best soldiers the Normandy crew have ever known. She escaped death once, she could surely escape it again right? She had to have escaped death once more. Dwelling in this apartment every day for a year now might as well be a permanent cage for Garrus' heart, never to show his face to the galaxy. It was only for a few minutes until Liara brought Garrus back to reality from his happy yet painful memories. She needed an answer about Shepard's service and she needed it now.

"Liara, I..."

"Please, Garrus. Just be there. Just try for her."

"...Fine, I'll show up. But I won't guarantee anything."

"That's all I ask. Thank you Garrus. Shall I leave you to do things?"

"No... I would like to talk to you."

"What is it?"

Liara was the only one Garrus had openly talked to since Shepard had gone MIA. No one else believed that though, not even the Systems Alliance. She had officially been listed as killed in action. Garrus refused to believe that. What if she was somewhere? Alone and frightened? In a coma maybe, just waiting for someone to come get her? So many possibilities and none seemed like the right one. What if Shepard really was gone this time?

No. Not this time. Garrus knew that if she cheated death before, she could do it again.

"...It's nothing."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah... I'll tell you later."

"Okay."

It seemed like an eternity just waiting for everyone. This was where it all took place: the party that happened that night, just before the assault on the Cerberus base. It seemed so empty now and that night seemed like just yesterday, even though it was a year ago. The faint smell of the fireplace caught to his nostrils and he slowly walked over to look closer at it. Nope, that hadn't changed either. Looking at the fire though reminded Garrus of his fiery red hair, just like her spirit. Shepard was so full of life. What had gone so wrong? Maybe she was right before.

 _You can't save everyone Garrus. Just do the best you can._

His best wasn't enough, that's all he knew. Looking at the TV, the picture was still up there from that night. The whole group photo they had taken together. This place was about the only thing left that Shepard left him to take care of. Looking at the photo, he saw that she was looking at Garrus like they knew they were gonna get some action later. Which they did. Her words, her sounds, her touch, her whole figure, it was the epitome of beauty. But within that beauty lied the strength of a thousand regular marines and a spirit like a wild animal. It truly showed in her deep, emerald eyes on the field. Why has she chosen him then? What made someone so great and unattainable as her choose someone who was as weak Garrus? No... he shouldn't call himself weak. He's a soldier, the best sniper you would ever see. Even now, he could hear her voice near him and feel her grab his shoulders. His imagination went wild, being in a field of stars.

 _Come on Vakarian, snap out of it. You are better than this soldier._

 _No... I'm not, Shepard._

 _Yes you are. Don't give me that. You always said you were a bad turian. But if I know you, you are one of the best turians I've ever met._

 _I still am a bad one. Why me, Shepard?_

 _What do you mean, 'why you'? You're one hell of a soldier. I'll always have your six. Just like you have mine._

 _I always will, Shepard. I just need you._

 _I'll always be here. Remember, you're not alone._

Garrus snapped out of it once he heard the doors open to the apartment. They were starting to arrive for the service. Liara had left to get the others. First came Tali, then Wrex, then Grunt, then Samara and the line of people eventually ended with Joker. He was going through his own pain for sure ever since EDI went offline. The geth had ceased to function as well and it set back years until the quarians could live without their suits. As everyone gathered around the fireplace and lit candles around her helmet, they all knelt down and prayed. None of the crew were extremely religious as far as Garrus knew, this was more of a way of thanking Shepard for all that she had done. He knew he had to do that for her so he knelt down as well, clasping his hands together and closed his eyes.

The prayer was silent and lasted for a few minutes, filling the room with sorrow. Garrus had enough pain and sorrow to deal with, he didn't need the others to bring their own into his place. Technically, this was supposed to be his and Shepard's place after the war, but that wasn't to be after everything happened. Garrus still didn't want to believe it and he was angry at how everyone gave up. When the prayers stopped, everyone got up and Liara placed a framed photo of Shepard on the Citadel, when she was still looking very much alive despite all the stress. Suddenly she stood in front of everyone with two tears down her face. Garrus could only watch from the very back, closing his eyes as if trying to drown out what was about to come.

"We are gathered here tonight... to honor our great Commander. No... our friend. She was a noble spirit who lead us through the toughest of situations, never letting anything stand in her way. Any ordinary soldier could charge up the hill and fire at anything, but Shepard did it in such a way that brought her great strength. Not only in strength... her spirit would not stay down and would never break down. She truly was a wild one, a free one... and I'm sure she passed it on to us as we move on with our lives and make her wish come true: for us to be happy. Would anyone else like to speak?"

Everyone stood around and came up one by one. First it was Tali, talking about the drinks and girl talk they had together. Then it was James, talking about she had inspired him to train for N7 and it wasn't a surprised when he passed too. Person after person, they all had something to say about Shepard, even Jack, who really wasn't the nicest person in the world. The last person to speak was Joker, telling about how all the humor seemed to lighten her mood and how he always had her back when she needed to get out and quick. When everyone finished speaking, Liara looked at Garrus, who was leaned against the wall with eyes closed and arms crossed. She could see he was very tense, shaking and hesitant to speak. She knew he didn't want to.

"Garrus... would you like to speak about Shepard?"

It took a few minutes for Garrus to even say anything. Speak for her? If he did that, that would be admitting shes dead and moving on. How can you move on from the love of your life? Even if the reports and investigation team found nothing and wrote her off as KIA, Garrus didn't believe it. She was out there, alone and trapped and suffering. Why else would he have hallucinated about her speaking to him? It was a message. Garrus soon had his answer and his answer was in the form of walking away from the crowd. Liara, Tali and everyone watched in surprise as Garrus walked away. They instructed everyone to offer more silent prayers for her as they went to talk to Garrus upstairs.

"Garrus... are you okay?"

"Please Liara, Tali, not now."

"Garrus, why wouldn't you speak? That's insulting Shepard's memory."

"What memory, Liara? I already told you how I felt: she could still be out there and none of you are willing to take the chance to look for her."

"You saw the reports. Nothing was found on Earth, nothing was found on the Citadel. She was gone."

"You think I don't know that, Liara? I read everything that happened. But I seem to be the only one who knows the truth that she is alive. There is something, I know it! None of you seem to believe it though!"

Tali had heard enough. She expected this kind of rambling speech from the admirals, but not from Garrus Vakarian, advisor to the Primarch and her best friend. Stomping forward, Tali slapped him in the face hard and it certainly caught him by surprise as he could only look down, glaring at the masked quarian beside him.

"Garrus, knock it off! I've had it with your crap! All you do is lay down here every day, drinking whatever you can get your hands on and just cry to yourself! That's not what a turian is supposed to be! You're supposed to be tough and put duties to your people and your friends ahead of your own selfish actions, not mope around blame others for how you feel! That's all you're doing is putting your own wishes ahead of us and assume we don't feel anything! You are one of the worst turians I have ever met and I ashamed at your behavior!"

Garrus suddenly changed his look to anger to a look of confusion and sadness. He knew he was one of the worst turians alive, he knew it fully well. But had he really delved so far into the realm of despair so far that he blatantly ignored how others felt? He hadn't spoken to Tali in so long so maybe this was her way of releasing all the anger she could have been harboring over the past year. Garrus was usually attentive to know that something was wrong. Only that something was wrong with him this time. Tali lead Garrus to the bed and sat down next to him, as did Liara, who was shocked as well that she slapped him so hard.

"...You're not the only one. I believe it too."

"You do?"

"Of course... the reason why though is because I had my own people to attend to. I've been wanting to look for her just as much as you. I know why you wouldn't speak and I understand, I really do. But for the past year, this just isn't you, Garrus. This isn't about you, this is about all of us. Remember what you told Shepard before?"

"...We are in this together."

"That's right. And so we will grieve together. And... we will go look for her together, too."

"What?"

"I don't know about Joker and the others, but I'm in. I wanna go look for Shepard too."

"I'm in too."

"Liara... Tali..."

All Garrus could do was pat their shoulders. This was the wake up call he needed desperately. With his two closest comrades by his side, they would go look for Shepard together. He didn't know if Liara believed she was alive out there, but Tali said she did. So he wasn't the only one hoping and dreaming all this time. All it took for Garrus to snap out of it was a hard slap from a quarian.

"Thanks. Especially you, Tali."

"Of course... I'm sorry I slapped you."

"No offense taken."

As all three of Shepard's closest comrades and friends got up from the bed, they walked outside to see all of the crew waiting there: Joker, EDI, James, Wrex, Grunt, Ash, Jack, Kasumi, Traynor and Zaeed stood in front of them with smiles on their faces, seeing that Garrus was back to his former self. There was that cocky, wise cracking, sniping and caring turian they all knew. As he looked around he saw they all had smiles.

"You all heard?"

"Pretty much word for word. We know how you feel and we have been grieving too. Honestly, I don't really believe it's true, but we are in this together. If you three wanna look for Shepard, then I'm behind you all the way."

Everyone else nodded, even Joker. He was ready to pilot the Normandy again after a year of no action. Without any action and one crazy idea that just might work, this wouldn't be the Normandy crew. They were more than a team, they were a family.

"Alright... everyone suit up. This mission is top priority and top secret. Make no mention to the Alliance either. Shepard is out there waiting for us. Now let's go look for her and when we find her, we are gonna let her know that this is the best damn crew she's ever had."

"You got it!"

"Good, Joker. Liara, Tali... ready?"

"I'm on it."

"You can count on me, Garrus!"

 _Hang in there, Shepard. We are coming to get you. Stay alive for me... please._


	2. Under the Stars

**Chapter 2 ~ Under the Stars**

 **This will be from Shepard's POV, first person!**

* * *

 _Every minute and every day felt like eons. Why must time flow so harshly when I am trapped under this rubble? How long have I been laying here? I don't know... everything feels so different. I can't feel my own body. Am I paralyzed? Wait... why am I thinking? Did I truly escape death once more? How is that possible...? If I'm alive, why can't I feel anything?_

 _I tried to move a finger and that doesn't hurt. I am alive! I don't believe it! Suddenly taking a breath, my chest and stomach both hurt. God damn it, it's more than hurt. I'm being crushed under this rubble. It's painful to breath, to move, to do anything. I'm shocked that I'm still alive, but I'll probably die quickly anyway. Come on, just let me die!_

 _"Let me die...?" What am I saying? I truly don't want to be a part of this galaxy anymore. I just want to be at peace... I've had enough of fighting._

 _But why am I wishing for myself to die?_

 _I remember what happened up to this point... Anderson, he was shot and I sat with him... we looked out at Earth. The Crucible wouldn't fire... then I was forced to make choice. I won't let fear compromise who I am and never will... I had destroy the Reapers... even if it cost EDI's life and my own... I can only hope that EDI survived._

Who else survived, I wonder?

 _Liara... one of my best friends and a very good Shadow Broker. I hope you and Feron are happy..._

 _Tali... my other best friend and like a sister to me..._

 _Ash... James... I hope you two are happy..._

 _Joker... keep piloting for me my friend._

 _And the friends I lost... Mordin, Thane, Legion... I'm so sorry... be at peace._

 _There's one more... who am I forgetting? That's right, he has a visor. And carries a sniper rifle. He's a turian..._

 _Garrus!_

 _Garrus... my one true love... did he live? I ordered him to go back... it tore my heart out. I'm so sorry Garrus. I'm so sorry I didn't come back. I didn't think I would live._

 _I wish he would come back for me... I don't want to die... Please, God... if you're up there in the stars, let me live... let me see Garrus one more time... let me see them one more time..._

 _I can raise my hand up now... I reach up to touch my cheek and it's wet, but with what?_

 _Am I crying?_

 _I want to see Garrus so bad, tell him I love him once more, tell I'm sorry..._

 _A burst of energy surges through me. It hurts to use all of it but I break free of the rubble that has me trapped. I cry out in pain as I struggle to get free. My legs won't move... what's wrong with me? Don't panic, Ru... remember your training. Fight through the pain..._

 _I try, but everything is broken, shattered and crushed..._

 _I can only get my head free, the rest of me trapped under a demolished wall... at least I can get some air._

 _Looking up, I see stars... millions of stars... but why? I was on the Citadel. Where am I now? I don't know... I don't know where I am and why I'm still alive. I just want to see him..._

 _Garrus, where are you? Please come find me... I'm waiting for you..._

 _The stars wield overhead and I swear I can see his outline among them. I want to reach up, but I can't do it, I'm in too much pain..._

 _The tears start flowing again... maybe I never will see him again. Am I always doomed to face a fate worse than death? Maybe that's why..._

 _Maybe that's why I wanted to die just a few minutes earlier... so that I won't be cursed with never seeing the one who saved my life ever again..._

 _I just hope he's saving everyone in my stead... turians are strong... he is strong..._

 _Spirits... if you are out there... bring him to me once more, so that I may go in peace..._

 _Did I just say "Spirits"? Garrus really was a bad influence... I can't give up now..._

 _He will find me... I just need to wait..._

 _A smile descends upon my face at the thought of my love as my eyes close one last time._

 _I'll be here, Garrus... I'll be here for you..._

 _I will never leave you... I love you._


	3. Far Off Signal

**Chapter 3 ~ Far Off Signal**

* * *

 ****The pinging of an omni tool brings Garrus to open his eyes for another depressing day. This was his life for over a year but the service last night was the first time he showed all of his emotions quietly to the rest of the crew. He pushed them all away when all they wanted to do was help him. Maybe there were all at fault for not going to look for Shepard in the first place. They were dealing with their own grief after the war, not just Garrus. To his surprise, it was a message from Primarch Victus. Why did he message him now? He made it clear that he wouldn't be coming back to Palaven due to being left a place on the Citadel. Reading a little further, his eyes came upon these words.

"I'm also on the Citadel with Admiral Hackett. We need to have a briefing with you."

Yeah right. Like he actually wanted to see two military figures that helped out with the war. But then Garrus remembered the words Tali yelled at him last night. This truly wasn't like him. It was just the fact that how much longer did he have to be here until the ship was ready to go? Why was this taking so long? Well, he may as well get this meeting over with. This would be the first mission briefing he had received in over a year. Garrus didn't want to go anywhere but the sooner he got up, the sooner it could be with. Getting dressed in his armor and grabbing his weapons, he walked outside the apartment building called Tiberius Towers and threw them in the back of the skycar.

Looking back, he saw that the lights were off since the night crowd already went home. He clearly visualizes that night during their first date. For a moment, Garrus saw the love of his life, in that revealing black dress, her wavy auburn hair flowing in the breeze and her soft smile whenever she stared at him. All Garrus could do was smile back at her lovely vision, even with those red facial scars. In that moment, he was at peace once again. That peace didn't last long when he saw her disappear down the stairs, never to be seen again in the distance. Garrus' smile disappeared at that very second. Why did she have to die and leave him alone? That loneliness won't be there for long. Putting that moment of peace behind him and back into reality, he drove off to meet with the Primarch and Hackett. Arriving at the Citadel Tower a little later, he walked slowly into the briefing room and hesitated at the sight of Victus and Hackett, whispering to each other.

"Ah, Vakarian. Where have you been for the past year?"

"Just... busy recovering from the war."

"War is expected, soldier. But I understand."

"What is so important that both of you need my help?"

"Hackett, care to brief him on everything?"

"Sure. Officer Vakarian, we have a planet that needs surveying. There's an Alliance reconstruction team working on one of the relays there. We need you and the rest of the Normandy crew to go there and oversee the efforts. That's all."

"Really? You guys couldn't just get another team to go out there?"

"Watch your tongue, Vakarian. This comes from the Hierarchy and from Hackett."

"...Yes, sir."

"Good. I'll meet you at the docks where I'll give you more info. Excuse me, Hackett."

"Of course. And Vakarian, I need to speak to you privately."

"What is it, sir?"

"...This isn't just any recon we are sending you and the crew too... this is about Shepard."

It's been a long time since Garrus heard anyone else speak her name but him. When she first disappeared, he wouldn't let anyone say her name, let alone her first name. Her first name was like a treasure to him and only him. She left it with him, only for his mouth to say.

"What did you say?"

"It's true we want you and the team to go survey the construction for a few days but there's something I didn't mention to the primarch. The team passed on a message that they found a clue as to Shepard's location. It's not much but it might help. I can't say what it is as I have made it confidential to you and the crew."

Straightening his stance, Garrus took a stand did the Alliance salute, just like Shepard did. His knees were so weak that the floor seemed to sway beneath his feet from this news. "Thank you, sir."

"One more thing... something has been left for you in the cabin of the Normandy. I don't know what it is, but I gave the Alliance guards to strictly leave it be. It's on the Commander's desk."

"Thank you, sir. I'll be leaving now."

"Of course. Good luck in your search."

With that, Garrus strolled out of the room with a stance and posture assumed just like the Commander. Steel blue-gray eyes were focused on the goal at hand: find Shepard, no matter the cost. Whatever the course the crew must take, they will find her and with Garrus at the helm, what could go wrong? Reaching the docking bay by elevator in a matter of minutes, the whole crew was there, waiting for their new captain.

Tali, the small yet intelligent tech expert...

Liara, the loyal information specialist...

Joker, the pilot who cheered up the atmosphere...

Samantha Traynor, the communications specialist who became a friend to everyone...

Ashley Williams, the soldier who had been with us since the beginning...

James Vega, the meathead who had proved himself as one hell of a soldier...

Steve Cortez, the always reliable shuttle pilot with a heart of gold...

EDI, the AI who had been unshackled and damaged, now a valued member of the crew...

Wrex, the krogan who lead his people to a new beginning

Grunt, the tank bred krogan who turned into a man...

 _How many of them can understand the pain I've gone through? But I'm done wasting another day of my life. Even if Shepard doesn't want me to find her, I will find her and bring her home. Oh Shepard, where are you...?_

"This mission just isn't about surveillance... I received word from Hackett that there is a clue to Shepard's location. We may need to go survey rebuilding efforts, but we all know why we are here: to find our one and only Commander. She is still out there and as her crew, we will not give up on her. We will find her and bring her home, even if she kicks and screams at us. You can either stay here or we can band together once more under my orders."

"Garrus is right. As the Normandy's pilot, Shepard counted on us. Whether she likes it or not, she can still count on us to get her back! Let's go!"

The whole crew marched into the Normandy to get ready for takeoff and flight checks. EDI and Joker took their seats next to each other, just as they should be. They were copilots until the end. Traynor took her station at the terminals near the galaxy map, looking over the course of where they were headed. The rest headed down to Engineering and the Shuttle Bay. Garrus would usually head down to the Main Battery but he was in charge of this mission. Getting his commanding officer, his competition, his best friend, his lover back, once and for all. Thrusters were checked, drive core was operational, everything was set and with soft movements that also rocked the ship back and forth, the ship departed from the Citadel and jumped outside the Widow system at FTL speed. After all the crew had been through, the Normandy was basically their home and a crew member to them as well. 

* * *

Once everything was confirmed to be functioning properly, Garrus set the destination coordinates into the galaxy map. Great, they wouldn't be there for another 2 days so they had to do something to pass the time. Each member of the crew had their own ways, but Garrus was different. He always wanted to stay on duty at the CIC. Honestly, he would rather sleep but after a year of barely any sleep at all, he couldn't afford to. Tali was on her way back to the crew deck when she saw him hunched over the private messages terminal. He looked like shit... even worse than shit.

"Garrus... are you okay?"

"I'm fine Tali. It's best if you go get some sleep."

"You need to as well. Don't give us this again Garrus."

"I can't Tali. I can't... not until she's found."

"We will find Shepard. Remember? We are all in this together. Shepard doesn't want you doing this yourself too."

"Yeah... okay, I'll go take a rest. Have Joker or EDI on comms immediately if anything pops up."

"Don't worry, we will."

The walk to the elevator plus the ride up to the cabin and stepping through the cabin's door was the second longest time of his life, right there next up to his charge with Shepard and Tali during the ground war on Earth so many months ago. The sounds of gunfire, explosions, Harbinger's beam echoes to this day as he still finds himself on that hallowed ground right now. Stepping into the cabin, Garrus caught the scent immediately: it was Shepard. She was still here in her own way. Her terminal was off and the bed sheets were neatly made but her hamster she had named Boo and the fish she always cared for were still here. He should thank the guards for keeping the place clean.

Looking around, her form comes into view in multiple spots: when she was fresh out of the shower, when she got dressed after laying in bed with him all morning, when she was going to bed, when she cried on the floor after Mordin's death, when she sat by the aquarium after failing to protect Thessia. It was still too real. Garrus just hung his head down until he heard her voice. Spinning around, he saw something that made his brain go fuzzy that he was about to pass out.

"Garrus...? You look like death? What happened?"

"Shepard... I... can't do this."

"Sure you can. You're the best damn soldier I've ever seen."

"I'm nothing like you, Shepard. And I'm nothing without you."

"I'm always here for you, just like you were for me."

"Remember what you told me? Well there's no Vakarian without Shepard either."

"I know, Garrus... I'm so sorry. I didn't want to leave you behind. I just... I couldn't send you off to your death with me."

"You're not dead Shepard..."

"...I'm so sorry."

"Don't be..."

"I left something for you. On the desk."

"What is it?"

Just like that, she was gone. Her touch, her scent, her voice, it disappeared just like that. Garrus walked over to the desk and saw two things: one contained a data pad that contained the clue as to where she was and it was marked as for Garrus' eyes only. Scanning it, the clue was strange but astounding. It was a signal from one omni tool but a ship that landed here 11 months ago for refueling. The signal was encrypted but the encryption key was relatively easy to figure. After several minutes, Garrus heard a recording and what he heard sent chills down his spine and plates that he swore the cabin just had the heat turned off.

 _[unintelligible]...if... receive this... please... Citadel... Hackett... deliver to... Normandy crew... Shepard...[unintelligible]_

It was her! She was alive! If she left this signal for the crew to find, then she had to have been looking for them too. Finally... after a full year of pain and torment, Garrus could feel the breath of life return to him, no longer dead by his standards. He would notify the crew of this tomorrow. The second item he saw was a data drive with the label "For Garrus" on it. What was this? Only one way to find out but he hesitated. He couldn't handle anymore from Shepard. She caused him so much pain with her dying twice already. He still couldn't help but be in love with her, all of her. His hesitation stopped at the play button on the terminal. For the second time in over a year, he heard her voice again but he finally saw her again for the first time as well. When was this video recorded? It had to have been before the landing in London.

 _Garrus..._

 _I don't this to end badly. I want more time with you... I really do. Everything we do now though depends on whether or not we win this war and I'm determined to do anything it takes. I've always had a war face during this stupid war. I tried to hide everything, even from you... now I realize, that was wrong._

 _You always talked about how I'm the better person. But there's one thing you're better at than me: honesty. I don't mean as in telling the truth... I mean sharing how you really feel about a situation. I'm so used to rejecting anyone and any words that come my way with ruthlessness and guns. But according to you, you find that sexy. Maybe you still do._

Garrus paused the vid for a moment to stifle a laugh. That was the first time he truly laughed and smiled that he could remember. He did love everything about her, even if she had to be cold once in a while. But that was just her doing what she felt she needed to do and it showed on her facial scars that she carried with pride. He let his talons tremble over the image of his love before hitting play again.

 _Joking aside, it's true. You always spoke how you felt, whether it was wrong or not. Whether it was how you felt about justice towards those who did wrong or about your troubles about your family, you never shied away from that. I didn't have that... I told you I grew up on the streets without a family or friends and when I was trapped on Akuze... all I could think of was surviving. Over time, that survival instinct warped my thinking, turning it into protecting my own feelings and my own being. It wasn't until I met Anderson, Alenko, Williams, Tali, Wrex and you that I found a new meaning in my life and it wasn't until I had to leave Alenko behind on Virmire that I truly felt pain. I knew pain before but that was just gunshots and grenades hitting me. That was the first time I felt emotional pain for real._

 _The second time... was losing you. When I thought I lost you, rather. It scared me... to see you hit by that missile, my heart stopped. I had enough of my squad dying me and I decided to change. But then... I saw you hadn't changed. You were even worse than before... Omega had changed you. I never told you this but I was scared of you and scared for you. It was never like you to be that way and I couldn't bear to see you change into the person I had become myself because of my leadership. Garrus, I... I failed you as a leader... I am so sorry._

He had to pause the vid again to catch his breath. Spirits, it was never her fault. He decided to follow her and he had his own thoughts. If she was here right now, he would tell her that it wasn't her fault, nothing was her fault. Garrus had gone to Omega and it was his own fault and his own personal feelings that had gotten him in the situation before. Once he found her, he would do everything he could to put those doubts out of her head. Once again, he resumed play of the vid, watching and listening intently.

 _You thanked me for so much, but I never did say thanks to you for what you have done for me. You got me to open up, feel human again and give me something that I have never experienced before. I would never trade it for anything. I just... wish it didn't have to be discovered like this, in the middle of a goddamned war. Garrus, I... I don't wanna go back down to Earth._

I have no hope and no future there. My desired place is with you, on Palaven, on a sunset shore. Where we live off the outskirts of your homeland and building a life together. It kills me that I can't even promise this... Garrus, this isn't fair. I'm sick of fighting... I just wanna be at peace with myself and with you.

 _And I... I love you... You have done so much for me just as I have for you. If we survive, let's plan for our future together. If you ever see this, know that and that I will wait for you. But I also do not want you to find me... that is an order. I will be at peace if I don't return. I want you to live the best life you can. Take care of the crew and take care of the Normandy. She is in your hands now._

After those last few words, the vid shut off and Garrus unhooked the drive from the terminal. What the hell was Shepard thinking? Scared out of her wits and almost breaking down because she didn't want to fight but also telling Garrus not to come find her? That she will be at peace? Fuck that. She had another thing coming if she thought the love of her life wouldn't come find her. He followed her and obeyed her every order until now... just once, he would disobey Shepard. He would bring her home.

"Shepard... you are an asshole for doing this time. If you think I'm just going to leave you alone out there, you're wrong. Wherever you are, I will come for you."


End file.
